


Highlander Parodies

by Dannell Lites Archivist (offpanel_archivist)



Category: Highlander: The Series
Genre: Gen, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-11-25
Updated: 2000-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 10:02:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 9,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16741918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/offpanel_archivist/pseuds/Dannell%20Lites%20Archivist
Summary: Welcome to my Parodies O'Plenty!!  I'm Dannell Lites, Fearless Leader of the Clan MacParodyAnd I write parodies ... A LOT of them!  Be Ye Warned!!  Parodies ahead!!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is archived on behalf of Dannell Lites, who passed away in 2002, with the permission of her family. Posting date approximate.

THANK HEAVEN FOR LITTLE FRU'S  
Tune: "Thank Heaven For Little Girls"

Thank heaven for little fru's  
For little fru's get better every day!  
We're drooling at little fru's  
they cheer us in the most delightful way  
Methos eyes so green-gold and appealing!  
One day they'll flash - his dark sides so revealing!

Thank heaven for little fru's  
Thank heaven for little fru's no matter where no matter who  
Without them what would Clan MacFru do??  
Thank heaven ...  
Thank heaven ...  
Thank heaven for lit-tle fru's!!

 

There you go!! More Parodies ahead! You have been warned! \  
Take shelter immediately!!


	2. Chapter 2

Methos, The ROG  
METHOS  
Tune: "The Armour Hot Dog Song  
By: Dannell BARRY MANILOW Lites

 

Methos, oh what kind of fen love our Methos?  
Fru fen, truefen, fen who don't like beer!  
Fen of boxer shorts will cheer!  
Cheer Methos, cheer for Methos,  
The ROG fen love so dear!!

 

JINGLE TOES  
Tune: "Jingle Bells"

Dashing through the fru, looking for Methos  
As through the pics we go , drooling, he's the most!  
Bells on Toes so cute, causing thoughts of sin  
What fun it is to see his toes and sing a hymn to them!

CHORUS  
Barefoot toes, barefoot toes, Methos all the way!  
What joy it is to drool and sing a fruish song today!  
Oh, jingle toes, jingle toes, Methos all the way!  
Great fun it is to see a fru and play and play and play!

 

HIGHLANDER from Dannell Lites  
Tune: "Jingle Bells"

Dashing to my set in a frenzy I must say  
Upon my couch I sprawl drooling all the way!  
What joy it is to watch HL and slowly turn to mush!

CHORUS  
Oh, Highlander, Highlander! HL all the way  
What fun it is to watch and sing a slaying song tonight!  
Oh, Highlander, Highlander! HL all the way  
What fun it is to see Methos and gush and gush and gush!!

 

HIGHLANDER from Dannell Lites  
Tune: "Green Acres"

Seacouver is the place to be  
Highlander is the Show for me  
Our Methos is a source of pride  
Keep Rysher just gimme that TV guide!

Right here is where I'd rather play  
Oh, Methos is the one who may  
I just adore a fru to see  
Dunkie, I love ya, but gimme that ROG!!

I am His Wife!!  
Goodby Real Life!  
Highlander we are here!!

 

AN IMMIE TO GO BATHING WITH HIS SWORD  
or  
DUNKIE'S ENCOUNTER CIRCA 1673  
by Dannell Lites

One day as I was bathing   
By a Clear Secluded stream  
A maiden stepped from hiding  
And said these words to me:

"I see that you're an Immie  
And used to harsh discord  
For nobody but any Immie  
Would go bathing with his sword!"

"I once had an Immie lover  
His name was Methos they say  
And if you'd pour beer upon it  
He'd eat a bale of hay!

"And everybody listened   
Though quietly he talked  
Foe he carried so much hidden steel  
That he clattered when he walked!"

He was handy in bedroom   
And cunning, Oh my Dear!  
But the thing that made him famous  
Was his thirst for many beers!"

"One night he said, 'I'm thirsty!'  
I was sleepy but I tried  
His beer was fifteen minutes late  
And he shriveled up and died!!"

"And so I lost my lover  
And so I pledged My Lord  
To wait here for some Immie  
To go bathing with his sword!!"

SONG FOR THE HORSEMEN  
or  
THE ROG'S ADVICE by Dannell Lites  
TUNE: "Supercalifragilistic, etc"

Pillage,rape and loot and burn  
But all in moderation!  
If you do they things I Plan  
Then we'll soon rule the nations!  
Pillage rape and loot and burn  
But all in moderation!

Pillage, rape and loot and burn  
But all in moderation  
Kill you foes and enemies  
And then kill their relations!  
Pillage, rape and loot and burn  
But all in moderation!!

THE SING-SONG BING-BONG SHAMMA-LAMMA  
DING-DONG LOWDOWN ROG BLUES  
or   
Petey's Nightmare by Dannell Lites   
Tune: "Lucille"

He fell threu the front door of a Seacouver barroom  
An Immie still paintede all blue  
He tripped on a barstool, fell over a table  
And lost his last sweater and shoe  
Now he was a looker and a high pressure cooker  
A barefooted cutie for sure  
He was wide-eyed and frightened what happedned by night's end  
Would soon have me taking the cure!

Just then the front door oif that Seacouver barroom  
Was smashed by a horde of wild chicks  
They ripped off his clothing ignored all his loathing  
Laughed at his cries of protest  
They grabbed up the cuties of the shapely patootie  
And dragged him right out of the door  
My ears were ringing but I swear I heard singing  
In a high-pitched soprano like roar -

CHORUS  
You picked a fine time to leave us Methos!  
Your our Blue Faced Love God but you're more than a boast!  
We really fell for you primevil yell for  
A Bronze Age lust all night long  
You picked a fine time to leave us Methos!

Oh now there on the back streets of Seacouver town there  
Raged a battle both mighty and true  
I follow those wimmin down Seacouver streets  
While their victim struggled his best  
He called for his sword then and vowed he would not sin  
A vow he was destined to rue  
I was puzzled with no clue to see him skin so blue  
But tell me what the hell is a fru!?

They looked all around for a good place to take him  
An alley stood high on their list  
They stripped him and miffed him, kissed him and pissed him  
He fought them as best as he could  
But too soon they had him all bound  
Blue jeans were flying and Methos was cryin'  
To them girls as he sobbed and frowned:

LAST CHORUS!!  
You picked a fine time to chase me you fools!  
With Dunkie in trouble  
Now, Kronos might rule!  
You smeared me with blue yak lard, cought me off my guard  
You aought to be feathered and tarred!  
You picked a fine time to chase me you fools!!

 

WOULDN'T IT BE R-O-G  
Tune: "Wouldn't It Be Loverly?"

All I want's to survive, I swear!  
Far away from MacKeod's dour glare  
About The Prize, who cares??  
Oh, wouldn't it be R-O-G?  
Lots of Kimmies For Mac to beat!  
Fighting and swords that are so neat!  
My Ivanho's real sweet!  
Oh wouldn't it be R-O-G?  
Oh, so R-O-G manipulating MacLeod for fun!  
Then I'm not forced to listen   
To comments about my gun!  
Someone's head whizzing past my knee  
In the end one's all there can be!  
Now, why can't it be me??  
Oh, wouldn't it be R-O-G?  
R-O-G  
R-O-G  
R-O-G

 

IF I WERE THE WINNER OF THE PRIZE  
"If I Were King Of The Forest"

If I were the winner of The Prize  
The One! The One! The One!  
My sword would attack'em  
My Ivanhoe would be whackin'  
I'd command each thing be it Kimmie foul  
With a swish and whack and a Hoerseman growl -  
GRRRR!  
As I'd click my heels Amanda would kneel  
And Joe would bow and Duncan kowtow  
If I - If I - were The One! There'd be no need to run!  
Each Mortal would show respect for me  
The Immies genuflect to me  
Though my sword would be lashin'  
I would show compassion  
For every underling!  
If I - If I - were King! (Hastily: "I mean -")  
The One!

 

I SAW MOMMY KISS THE ROG!  
Tune: "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus!"

I saw Mommy kiss the R-O-G!  
Oh, down at Joe's Bar late last night!  
She didn't see me creep through the doors to have a peek  
She thought I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep!  
Then I saw Mommy tickle her Methos  
open his lips oh so fru  
My what a fight it would have been  
If Daddy had only seen  
Mommy kissing Methos painted blue!!

 

WHATEVER METHOS WANTS  
OR  
THE FANNISH DAYDREAM  
Tune: "Whatever Lola Wants"

Whatecver Methos wants, Methos gets!  
And little fan - the R-O-G wants you!  
Make up your mind to have no regrets  
Recline yourself, resign yourself - you're through!  
He always gets what he Plans for  
And your bod and heart are all he'll stand for!

What ever Methos wants, Methos gets!  
Take off your frock  
Don't you know you can't win?  
You're no exception to the rule  
He's ir-re-sist-i-ble you fool!   
Give in!

 

THE ROG'S EXCUSE  
Tune: "If Ever I Would Leave You"

If ever I would cleave you  
It wouldn't be in Summer!  
Cleaving you in Summer, it would pain me so  
Whacking you in Summer - it's to hot for that  
Paris in the Summer is hotter than heck!

But if ever I would cleave you  
How could it be in Autumn?  
How I'd cleave you in Autmn I never would knwo!  
I've seen how it rains then; I hate getting wet!  
My sword might rurn rusty then where would I be?

And could I cleave you fighting merrily in the snow?  
On a Wintry evening  
When I'm freezing so?

If ever I would cleave you  
How could it be in Springtime?  
Knowing how in Spring I'm  
Too lazy for blows!

Oh no! Not in Springtime!  
Summer, Winter or Fall!  
No, never would I cleave you at al!!

 

PLEASE DON'T SQUEEZE MY METHOS  
OR  
ALEXA'S LAMENT  
Tune: "Please Don't Squeeze My Charmin"

Did you hear what happened last Saturday night?  
While dancin' and drinkin'  
We all got half tight  
My sweet thing, My Methos  
Was dancin'with a hon  
When I had to jump up   
And I hollered off key!

CHORUS  
Please don't squeeze my Methos!  
Don't hold hjim so tight!  
You'd best heed my warning  
It's your last one tonight!  
He's lean and he's sweet now  
And cute as can be  
And if Methos needs squeezin'  
Just leave that to me!

Along about midnight  
They were feelijg no pain  
And Mwthos and honey - were dancin' ag'in  
Then Dunkie and Mandy got into a fight  
And I heard someone holler   
As out went the Light!

Repeat Chorus!

 

ON TO THE AIR WITH OUR METHOS  
Tune: "Up In The Air, Junior Birdmen"!

On to the air with our Methos!  
On to the air Rysher, please!  
Onto the air with our Methos!  
You mustn't dis or tease us  
And when you give us our Methos  
With his gorgeous face the most -  
Oh, then we'll know all us ROG fen  
Have sent our complaints in!

 

LADIES LOVE METHOS!  
Tune: "Ladies Love Outlaws

Alexa was a liovely maid from Joe's bar, you see  
Methos was an Immie - baretoed and lean  
One night she saw him standing aned it thrilled her to the bone  
Knew she had to have that BFLG bod all for her own!

CHORUS  
Cause Ladies love Methos  
Like trufen love to Post!  
Ladies touch Methos, oh, like Methos touches beer!  
And Methos Touches Ladies somewhere deep down in their - uh - souls??

Oh, Cassie hates Methos and prays to see him dead!  
Methos had a reputation as a dread Horseman!  
Then one night the R-O-G, he finally gave a sign!  
Cassie left her hate behind and took her place in line!

Repeat Chorus

 

WE'RE OFF TO KILL THE ROG NOW  
Tune: "We're Off To See The Wizard"

Follow that Scotsman MacLeod!  
Follow that Scotsman MacLeod!  
Follow, follow, follow, follow  
Follow that Scotsman MacLeod!  
Follow that Scotsman MacLeod!  
Follow that Scotsman MacLeod!  
Follow that Scotsman MacLeod!

We're off to kill the ROG now  
The Really Old Immie Guy!  
You'll find he is a ROG of a ROG  
If ever a ROG there was  
If ever, oh ever a ROG there was   
Because, because, because!  
Because of the cunning things he does!   
We're off to kill the ROG now -  
The nythical R-O-G!!

 

THE METHOS ROVER  
Tune: "The Irish Rover"

Now MacLeod was at peace , the challenges were few  
On the Barge I was feeling uite bored  
So, I bought me a Ford and took to the road  
Just to see what fun that might afford!  
In the rear was bar, she could quickly range far  
So fast were the engines that drove her!  
She was weaponed near and far  
She was my kind of car  
And I called her the Methos Rover!!

She had six dozens pistols and guns by the score  
thre were some tha tcould fit in your palm  
There were bunches of knives and three dozen grenades  
Sayuing, "Hi! I'm a thirty second bomb!" ( 29 -28- 27 ...)  
She had front mounted missles that strick with a force  
Much like that of a very small nova!  
And five dozen cases of Pete's Ale, of course!  
In the trunck of the Methos Rover!!

 

METHOS THOUGHTS  
Tune: "Rosin The Bow"

Well, some people say I'm a cynic  
I'm quick with a sarcastic retort!  
Since joing the Watcher I've got a new Plan -  
I research myself then report!!

CHIORUS  
Now Duncan he says I'm a Devil!  
And Richie and Joe think so too!  
But I think that I'm only practical  
Beer mooching and clever it's true!

I never did car much for Challenge  
Beheading is not what I do!  
Just light a fire under their asses and -  
The enemy will come to you!

Repeat Chorus

 

WHAT EVER BECAME OF METHOS  
Tune: "Whatever Became Of Hubert?"

Whatever became of Methos?  
Has anyone heard a thang?  
Is he lost, is he cross -  
Is he gathering moss?  
Herding yaks as he sang?

Once a fiery Horseman in spirit  
But now ehen he wahcks he must clear it!  
Second fiddles a hard part I know  
When DM won't even give you a bow!

We must protest thios treatment Methos!  
Says each Highlander viewer  
As someone once remarked to Rysher -  
Take us to your cue-er!

Whatever became of you Methos?  
We miss so tell us please  
Are you mad? Are you bad?  
Or is Duncan still sad?  
Oh say do you flap in the breeze?

Does Duncan recalling when he was bid time  
Say, "Listen, I pine; for your fate give a dime?"  
"Do you dream about staging a coup?"  
Oh, Methos what happened to you!!

 

METHOS TONIGHT!  
OR  
A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE RYSHER FORUM!

Someone familiar  
Someone so clever!  
Someone for everyfan  
The R-O-G tonight!  
Someone appealing  
Someone revealing  
Someone for everyfan  
The R-O-G tonight!!

Something of Joe, somone with a past  
Bring on the Kimmie's Fitz and laughs!  
No BKC's now  
We are so pleaed - wow!  
Nothing of Richie in sight:(:(  
Dunkie tomorrow  
The R-O-G tonight!

Someone beheaded  
Quick'ning we've dreaded  
Something for everyone  
Our Methos tonight!  
Someoen so lean now  
Someone so keen now  
Someone for everyfan  
Our Methos tonight!

We're glad he's back - we'll celebrate  
Real Life affairs wil just have to wait!  
Flashing katana's  
Scenes in the sauna!  
Oh, we love the Ivanhoe, right?  
So, up with the curtain  
Methos tonight!

Something Highlander  
Something to pander  
To our lust for candor  
Our Methos tonight!  
Something in blue, now  
Something so fru, now!  
Something for everyfan  
Our Methos tonight!

We'll soon be sated  
How long we've waited!  
To see the R-O-G  
Our Methos tonight!  
The B-F-L-G is plenty for me  
So up with the curtain  
Methos tonight!

 

THE R-O-G OF WONDER  
Tune: "The Yellow Rose Of Texas"

There's an R-O-G of wonder  
Oh, he's the guy for me!  
And no one can out think him for he's the R-O-G!  
Now, once he was a Horseman  
And was quite a sight to see!  
He's the B-F-L-G!

CHORUS  
He's the smartest Immie going and he's the oldest, too!  
His eyes are green-gold jewels, they make us want to fru!  
You may lust after your Dunkie-Poo and drool for Richie, too!  
but the R-O-G of wonder is the sexiest, that's who!

There's an R-O-G of wonder  
And Methos is his name!  
There's no Immie who can whack him for he wil wion The Game!  
When he unsheaths his Ivanho it deals a mighty blow!  
And if that don't work he'll doff his shoes to reveal THE TOES!

CHORUS

Oh, bit we really miss him  
And our hearts are full of woe!  
The Powers have betrayed us and crushed our spirits so!  
We'll play our ep tapes daily  
And remember days of yore  
Then the R-O-G of wonder shall be ours forever more!

 

THE METHOS RAG  
Tune: "The Sounds Of Silence"

I am Methos, that is me!  
And I'm devious as can be!  
I'm slso mean and low and tricky   
Call me Highlander's main sickie!  
And the cunning, oh, that's planted in my brain -  
Will remain  
Until i win The Prize!Q

In the end, now, there can be  
Only one and that is me!  
See, I'm not really very picky  
Long as I'm the one that gets the Quickie!!  
5,000 years I've managed to survive  
Watch me hide!  
Until I win the Prize!

My favoriye drink is cheap, warm beer!  
And you should see me when I sneer!  
I'm also mouthy, droll and witty!  
You know it's really such a pity  
I was Death on a horse, the nightmare we all dread -  
Watch your head!  
Until I win The Prize!

 

IRREGULAR WATCHER  
Tune: "The Irish Washerwoman"

All my sweater are baggy, my jeans they are black!  
We "Brothers" Four Horsemen tied Rome in a sack!  
I am not regulation I don't try to be  
I'm a pain in the ass of the standard Immie!  
I'm a pragmatic cynic though only a myth  
I make deadly comments brimming with pith  
I will honor a bargin and stand by a friend  
But right about there is where my mannes end!

Well, if you mess with Methos then be ready to fly  
Just be sure not to cross him The Really Old Guy!  
He'll strike in the time that it takes you to cough  
The next thing you know is your heads coming off!  
If you bother Methos you are sure to regret it  
Whatever your plan is he's bound to upset it  
Thee's two types of warnings you'll get when he's hot:  
One when he's smiling and one when he's not!

 

THE ROG LULLABY  
Tune: "The MLF Lullaby"  
By: Tom Lehrer

Sleep, Methos, sleep  
In peace may you slumber  
No danger lurks your peace to encumber  
You'll need your sword your head to defend  
So keep it shap and aleays duck then win!

Why shouldn't you just take more and more heads?  
Duncan says, "No!", but he's just a sorehead  
I say the object whould be beheading  
And guess who's the one on which I'm betting??

So, sleep well, dear Methos, the Sandman can linger  
We hope that Duncan won't give you the finger!  
We love The Old Man - I mean the R-O-G!  
Here's to your loyal ally (Duncan? Duncan Who?)  
The R-O-G will be the One  
Because he sleeps so bloody well!

He sleps in boxers, so slender and lean  
Sword 'neath his pillow - so it goes ...  
He loves going barefoot - for his feet we're keen!  
Oh yes, we're all lusting for his toes!

 

Ok, remember YOU asked for it!!:):)

 

HOT PATOOTIE!!  
Tune: The Same!

Whatever happend to Highlander night??  
When you saw Methos and you felt just right!  
It don't seem the same since all the hype  
Came into my life, I thought he was divine!

I used to read SF and I'd watch TV  
I thought channel surfer was the thing to be!  
Saw a Bristish guy playing in that Highlander show  
And there I saw Methos and my lust did grow!  
(Spoken: "He's got a -"

CHORUS  
Hot patootie, blessed be he!  
I really love that R-O-G!  
Hot patootie, blessed be he!  
I really love that R-O-G  
Hot patootie, blessed be he!  
I really love that R-O-G!  
Hot patootie, blesse be he!  
I really love that R-O-G!

My head starting swimming from his lazy smile  
And then the sound of his voice made my heart go wild  
Well it was there I fell in love with his cunning guile  
He was a great liar, man oh man, he really has style!!

REPEAT CHORUS

His sense of humor it's so perverse  
And Queen was singing "Princes Of the Universe"  
Now it was was so very easy to fall for his charms  
And besidesm I like the way that he's always well armed!!

REPEAT CHORUS!!

 

I'VE GROWN ACCUSTIOMED TO HIS TOES  
Tune: "I've Grown Accustomed To Her Face"

 

DANNELL  
Yes! Yes! Yes!

I've grown accustomed to his toes  
They alsways make me want to sin!  
I've grown accustomed to his wit  
Cynical I must admit  
His smirks, his sighs  
His lips , his eyes  
Are all I think of constantly  
Like Watching him and fruing him  
Now I was happy with my man before we met  
Surely I can always be that way again?  
And yet -  
I've grown accustomed to his beer  
Accustomed to his sword  
I just love to see him "doing cute", oh, everyday!  
His accent! His nose!  
His hands! His toes!  
Are all I think of constantly  
Like Blue Frosting and His Harem  
Yes, I'm just thrilled that he's the ROG!  
And so very old and wise!  
Just like an addiction   
One can always shake and yet -  
I've grown accustomed to his foes  
Who take me hostage now and then  
I've grown accustomed to his toes ...


	3. Chapter 3

Dunkie-Poo!!  
DUNKIE FAN  
Tune: "Sharp Dressed Man"  
By: ZZ Top

Oh, a Scottish glen!  
A signed photograph of Adrian!  
Katana at my side  
Wore black when poor Tessa dies ...  
They run away as fast as they can  
Cause every K'immie's frighted of a Dunkie Fan!!

The barge, may beers  
Been speaking Gaelic now for six long years!  
Dojo, oh, nekkid kata  
Poor Duncan's been rejected by his Faddah!!  
I watch Highlansder as much as I can  
Cause that's the place you'll find a lot of Dunkie fans!!

The episodes, I've memorized!  
I want a T-Bird just like Dunkie drives!  
My dates don't seem to work,  
Compared to Dunkie they are all such jerks!  
I guess that I should get a different plan  
I don't have a life cause I'm a Dunkie Fan!!

 

Duncan  
Tune: "Tammuz"

I remember guady ndays when the year was springing!  
Duncan, Methos, Joe and I, clicking cups and singing!  
Then in sauntered Amanda, skimpy garmets clinging -  
Tol her hips and things like that!  
Duncan left us winging!

Then we welcomed Methos then, when he came to Paris  
He was smooth as willow bark - nothing of a cleric!  
But his taste in beer and ale - THAT was esoteric!  
And he used a drinking cup that would strain a derrick!

So, we battled kalas then doing our good deeders  
Twice we fought and once he fell  
Drawing wolves for feeders!  
While we strode where drinking men -  
Called for expert leaders!!

Duncan would have joined us then but he'd just nbeen wedded!  
Then Amanda - blast the wench! - whacked him as they bedded!  
Damn such honeymoons as this - just the sort I've dreaded  
For a drinking man is spoiled - once he's been beheaded!!

 

A HYMN TO DUNCAN  
Tune: "Just A Closer Walk With Thee"

Just a lover's tryst with thee,  
Grant it Dunkie is my plea!  
Slowly making love to thee  
Let it be -  
Dear Lord, let it be!

Thou art stacked and oh so strong!  
Pecs and abs to praise in song!  
I'll be satisfied as long  
As I tryst, dear Mac -  
Tryst with thee!

 

THE BALLAD OF DUNCAN  
Tune: "The House Of The Rising Sun"

There is a bar in Seacouver  
They call it Joe's Place now!  
It's been the ruin of many a poor fan  
And Lord, I know I'm one!

Some patrons they are Immies!  
Immortal as they can be!  
Methos, he's the R-O-G;  
He drinks his cheap beer down!

Duncan he is a hero!  
Oh, he lives in Paris, now!  
The only time he's satisfied is when  
He whacks some Kimmie down!

Now Joe he is a Watcher man  
He plays a mean guitar!  
But his specialty is watching Mac  
To steal his little black book!

 

THE SECOND BALLAD OF DUNKIE-pOO  
Tune: "The Ballad Of Paladin" AKA: "Have Gun Will Travel"

Have sword will whack'em  
The motto of a man  
A Boy Scout and Immie from a distant land!   
His katana flashes and they've met their fate  
A whacker of Kimmies is the man called O-N-H!

CHORUS  
O-N-H, O-N-H! Why do you moan?  
O-N-H, O-N-H! The Quick'ning means groans!

He's traveled all over  
Taken many a head!  
Oh, decapitation always leaves them so dead!  
If your name starts with K then your ass is grass!  
Oh, Kimmies beware because he's ciome for your ass!

 

THE MAN WHO WHACKED MELVIN KOREN  
Tune: "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence"

Oh, when Melvin Koren came to town  
The womenfolk would hide!  
(They'd hide!)Melvin Koren walked around  
The men would step aside  
'Cause the point of a gun   
Was the only Law that Melvin understood!  
When it came to shooting  
Straight and fast -  
He was mighty good!

From out of the West a Scotsman came  
Katana in his hand  
(A man!)  
The kind of man the Game would need  
A Boy Scout with a plan!  
'Cause the point of gun  
Was the only Law that Melvin understood!  
When it came to shooting -  
Straight and fast -  
He was mighty good!

CHORUS 1  
Many a man would face his gun  
And many a man would fall!  
The man who shot Melvin Koren!  
Who shot Melvin Koren!  
He was the bravest of them all!

When fierce, mad Kronos came to town  
The R-O-G would hide!  
(He'd hide!)  
When fierce, mad Kronos walked around,  
The menfolk they would die!  
Because the edge of a blade  
Was the only Law that Kronos undertood!  
When it came to whacking  
Quick and fast -  
He was mighty good!

Chorus 2  
Many a man would face his blade  
And many an Immie die!  
Oh, the man who whacked mad Kronos (Mad Kronos!)  
Who whacked mad Kronos  
He was most righteous of them all!

Now that same Scotsmans still in town  
Sweetie Cassie, she's still fried!  
(She's fried!)  
But when the R-O-G she spied  
To take his head she tried!  
(And he lied!)  
Still, the edge of a blade  
Was the only Law in Kronos Mystery  
"I am The End Of Time!"  
Duncan said -  
You are History!"

LAST CHORUS  
In the night two Quickinings sang out  
One made Kronos fall!  
Oh, the Scot who whacked The Horseman Kronos!  
He whacked The Horseman Kronos  
He was the bravest of them all!


	4. Chapter 4

The Siver Fox!! The Blues Man!!  
JOE'S NEW YEARS EVE PARTY  
Tune: "Wasn't that A Party?"  
By: Tom Paxton

Couklda been the Scotch, now!  
Coulda been the gin!  
Coulda been the three or four six packs, I don't know!  
But would ya look at the mess I'm in??  
My head's like a sword hilt!  
I wish that I could die!  
But tell me, me oh, me oh, my!  
Wasn't that a party??

Duncan took some panties  
Wore them like a hat!  
I saw Methos under the kitchen table   
Talking to my old tom cat!  
The cat was talking back!  
Long about then everything went black!  
But wasn't that a party!?

I'm sure it's jut my memory  
Playing tricks on me  
But I think I saw Amanda  
Steal my neighbors tree!  
She was naked as can be!!  
Richie was sitting in the backyard  
Blowing on a siren from somebody's Police car!

So you see Your Honor!  
It was all in fun!!  
That little bitty track meet down on Main street  
Was just to see if the cops could run!  
Well, they run us in to see you  
I'm in an alcoholic haze!  
And I sure can use those thirty days!  
But - wasn't that a party!?

 

SEND IN MACLEOD   
or:   
JOE'S RAGTIME LAMENT   
Tune: "Send The Marines!" By: Tom Lehrer 

When Immortals make a move   
Of which I don't approve Who is it that always intervens?   
Methos and Richie - yes   
They have their place I guess   
But first - Send in MacLeod!! 

I'll send them all I've got   
Oh, Watchers by the lot   
Remember swordfighting scenes so proud   
He kills Immies without flaw   
But not my brother-in-law!   
So what do I do? I send in MacLeod 

For might nakes right 'til   
Immies see the light Immortals kill and maime   
Watchers scheme and blame   
'Til somebody we like can win The Game! 

When I need someone whacked   
Because somehow they lack   
The special things we look for in   
The One Call it manipulation   
Rather it's contemplation   
Watcher want the world to know   
That we support the status quo   
Immies they all love us so   
What do I do? I send in MacLeod! 

 

FOR JOE   
or   
BLUES FOR MR. DAWSON   
Tune: "Sweet Music Man" By: Kenny Rogers 

I wouldn't listen and I couldn't see   
And all I have left now are words you and to me 

Sing your song Sweet Music Man!   
You jam every night with a four peice band   
That plays for you what you ask it to   
You're a hellava singer and a powerful man   
And you surround youself with people who listen then sing along   
You touch my soul with your beautiful Blues   
Even had me singing along right with you!   
You said, "I'll play for you!"   
Then you sang the words and added harmony   
And you played the song you'd sung for us   
Like it was new 

CHORUS   
And nobody sings a Blues song quite like you do!   
Nobody else can make me sing along   
Nobody else can make me feel   
That things are right when they're wrong with a song   
Nobody sings a Blues song quite like you! 

Sing you song Sweet Music Man!   
Cause I'll be there to tap my foot like I used to I'll sing with you!   
Now the songs you've sung to so many people   
Have all begun to come back on you!   
So sing your songs Sweet Music Man   
Don't go makin' your living doin' one night strands   
Let me prove to you -   
You're still a hellava singer powerful man   
I'm always one last fan you can sing to! 

CHORUS   
So sing your song Sweet Music Man -   
I believe in you ..


	5. Chapter 5

Richie, Amanda and The Rest!!  
AMANDA'S SONG  
Tune: "Tip-Toe Through the Tulips"

Tip-toe cross the rooftops  
Cross the rooftops  
Won't you come along and -  
Tip-toe cross the rooftops with me!

Sneaking cross the roof tops  
Cross the rooftops  
Won't you come a long and -  
Sneak cross the the rooftops with me!

Fleeing cross the rooftops!  
Cross the rooftops!  
Won't you come along and -  
Flee croos the rooftops with me!!

We'll soon be rich now  
From the rooftops!  
From the rooftops!  
Won't you come along and -  
...*steal* ... cross the rooftops with me??


	6. Chapter 6

"I Am The End Of Time!"  
SONG FOR THE HORSEMEN  
OR  
The ROG's Advice  
Tune: "Supercalifragilisitic, etc!!"

Pillage, rape and loot then burn  
But all in moderation!  
If you do the things I plan  
Then we;ll soon rule the nations!  
Pillage, rape and loot then burn  
But all in moderation!!

Pillage, rape, and loot then burn  
But all in moderation  
Kill your foes and enemies  
And then kill their relations!  
Pillage, rape and loot then bur  
But all in moderation!!

 

WHY THE HORSEMEN BROKE UP 

Sung to the tune "The One On The Left" by Johnny Cash 

by DANNELL LITES, FEARLESS LEADER of the Clan MacParody!! 

 

There once was a vicious troupe, a rapin' pillagin' fun group

Oh, they raided and the folks died of their fear

They were long on pillagin' ability, folks feared them near and far

But political incompatibility lead to their downfall!

 

CHORUS

Well the one on the right he's a cannibal 

Oh, the one in the middle is Kronos

Oh and the one on the left is post dumb 

And the guy in the rear's a pacifist!

 

This so deadly aggregation soured the entire nation

Killing all the Villagers, hey, just the ones that got in their way

They slaughtered with great virtuosity but soon they were afraid

Soon political animosity prevailed - they were enraged!

 

CHORUS

Well, the one on the right he's a cannibal 

Oh, the one in the middle is Kronos

Oh and the one on the left is post dumb 

And the guy in the rear paints his face blue!

 

Well, the Horsemen had descended screams sang through out the land

As hundreds there were slaughtered so to amuse our merry band

But they took their politics seriously and that day as the raid began

While the Villagers watched deliriously they had a free for all!

 

CHORUS

Well, the one on the right was on the bottom

And Kronos in the middle was on the top 

And the one on the left got a broken arm 

And the one in the rear said, "Oh, dear!" 

 

Now this should be a lesson if you plan to raid and pillage

Don't go mixin' politics with the looting of the land!

Just work on slaughtering and raping keep your sword real sharp

And if you have political convictions keep 'em to yourself!

 

CHORUS

Now the one on the right is in the tank 

Kronos in the middle's The End Of Time! 

Oh, and the one on the left now he chops wood

And the one in the rear - disappeared ... 

 

IF YOU ONLY HAD A HEART (I'D CUT IT OUT!)

by Dannell

Tune: If I Only Had A Heart from "The Wizard of Oz" 

 

When you are an Immie Horseman

Should Methos have a 'swell' plan.

He should be torn apart!

Just because I'm presumin'

That I could be kinda human

If I only had your heart!

 

I'd be vicious, I'd be villain

and awful good at killin'

When does the raiding start?

Disregarding the perils

I'd just let them shoot their arrows

If I only had a heart!

 

Picture me, a victim please.

Above a voice sings low,

"Oh, I Have A Heart, You Know!"

I hear it beat

How sweet!

 

Just to register emotion

Bloodlust, oh what a notion!

I'd really feel the part!

I'd take slaves and some others

And I'd share them with my " Brothers"

If I only had a heart ...!

 

BE A HORSEMAN!

by Dannell

Tune: "Be A Dentist!" from "Little Shop of Horrors" 

 

When I was younger just a bad little kid 

My Mama noticed funny things I did

Like stabbing puppies with a dull blunt knife

I'd poison guppies and I'd take their life 

I'd find a pussy kat and bash in it's head 

That's when my Mama said:

 

She said, "My boy, I think someday

You'll find a way to make your natural tendencies pay

You'll be a Horseman!

You have a talent for causing things pain 

It will pay you to be inhumane!

Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood 

Farming would suit you still less

Be a Horseman!

You'll be a success!"

 

Methos, Silas and Caspian: Horseman Chorus: 

 

Here he is girls - The End Of Time!

Watch him de-cap-i-tate

Oh, my God - He's a Horseman!

And he'll never be any good

Who wants their Village burned, burned by the Marquis de Sade?

Ouch that hurts! That was my son!

 

KRONOS: "Oh, shut up! Gates open wide? Here I come!

 

I am a Horseman!

And great god how I enjoy the career that I've picked?!

I am a Horseman! I am be-head-ing!

And I get off on the pain I inflict!

When I start swinging my sword

By God, then I never get bored!

Horseman!

And though it may cause my victims distress 

Somewhere!

Somewhere in Heaven above!

I know!

I know that my Mama's proud of me ... Oh, Mama!

'Cause I am a Horseman and a success!

Say, "Cheese! Now die!"

 

THE END OF TIME 

by Dannell

Tune: "The Invalides"

 

CHORUS:

Oh, I am called the End Of Time

And Kronos is my name

And while my steel controls the field

Then I can hack and maim!

 

We've all been touched by Immie blood - We are the Four Horsemen!

And whether on or off the field you can tell where I've been!

One warning I should give to all; now please hear what I say

Unless you are an Immie too, best not get in my way!!

 

CHORUS 

 

Our ranks are filled with Immortals, the rest are cannon fodder

And as for socials graces well, I never have to bother

For in this current Bronze Age now, I'm ruler and not servant

And if you cannot ever die who needs to be observant?

 

CHORUS 

 

I'm proud of being murderous, my manners are alarming

But when your swords as strong as mine why bother being charming??

If someone dares to criticize in word or deed or song

I seek him out and when they're found I whack them, then they're gone!

 

CHORUS 

 

If an Immie rises in the field to challenge my control

He doesn't worry me a bit, however brave or bold

Oh, Immies don't remain a threat, he'll not create a fuss

I'll just arrange to take his head ...

Or make him one of us!

 

CHORUS


	7. Chapter 7

The Villians Of The Piece!!  
KENNY HE'S A LITTLE KIMMIE!!  
Tune: "Jesus Loves The Little Children"

Kenny he's a little kimmie  
Of all kimmies he's the worst!  
Subtle, devious with mac  
He'll behead you with a whack!  
Kenny he's a little kimmies that's a fact!!

 

KENNY'S BACK!!  
Tune: "Jingle Bells"

Quickenings are so nice  
But beheadings not PC  
There can beonly one  
Why can't it be me?  
I'm so innocent  
Trust me if you dare  
But I'll betray you with out a hint

KENNY FAN 

To The Tune Of: "Sharp Dressed Man" 

Oh, clothes that are worn   
I want to read now some Kenny porn   
My sword at my side   
I laughed when Dolman Ross he died!   
They run away just as fast as they can   
'Cause everybody's frightened of a Kenny Fan!

Immies have their fears   
Kenny's been around for 800 yrs   
Sneak thief extrodinaire   
Kenny steals our trust and that we just can't spare   
I surf the Internet as much as I can   
But there's no place there you'll find a lot of Kenny fans!

Kenny I memorialize   
I'll start a Fan Club for my favorite guy!   
Oh, he's a k'immie so   
He'll whack you and then oh my he'll go   
Now like Methos our Kenny has a plan   
So, everybody's frightened of a Kenny Fan!!  
For your life I won't spare!

CHORUS  
Oh, Kenny's back!  
Kenny's back!  
Kenny's back in town  
Oh what fun it is to slay  
And sing a whacking song I've found!!

MacLeod is such a jerk  
Yeah, and Richie Ryan too!  
I just have to smirk  
Neither has a clue!  
They will bothe be dead  
In my cunning trap  
I'll betray them then I'll take their heads!  
Why are they such saps?

 

I WANNA BE BEHEADING!  
Tune: "I Wanna Be Sedated"  
OR  
"The Kurgan's Song!"  
By: The Ramones

Just two or three, two or three left no more!  
I want to be be beheading!  
Yes, I'll be The One on that I swore!  
I want to be beheading!  
Just fight me now in scotland  
just fight me for The Prize!  
Hurry, hurry, hurry!  
Oh, I'll be in disguise!  
Whack you with my broadsword  
You'll watch your head as it flies  
Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh!!

Connor, Connor, Connor, Conor!  
I want to be beheading!

Repeat Above Verse  
Return to Parodies O'Plenty  
Parodies O'Plenty!:   
I Love Kimmies!  
To the Tune Of: "I Feel Pretty"  
By: Steven Sondheim  
I love Kimmies!

Oh, yes Kimmies!  
Kronos and Grayson and K!  
And I pity  
Anybody who gets in their way!  
They're so charming -

So disarming!  
It's alarming how swiftly they heal!  
And such Kimmies  
Dearly love to pillage, rape and steal!  
See the Kurgan in that alley there:

Oh, who can that headless corpse be?  
Such a pretty face,  
Chain-mail leather dressed,  
Such a deadly sword!  
Such singing off key!  
He's so stunning

Oh so cunning;  
Feel like running and screaming for help!  
'Fore I'm whacked by  
The baddest Kimmie ever whelped!  
Have you met my good friend dear Kalas?

The musical Kimmie who gloats  
You'll know him the minute you hear him  
For he is the Kimmie who can not sing a note!  
Mac thinks he's a pain

MacLeod he does blame  
It's so very plain  
He's really insane!  
Kronos met defeat

His End Of Timeness  
Is his'try complete  
Out West he was best!  
He's Death on a horse

Send for Duncan  
Oh, this is not our ROG now, by damn!  
Byron is sure

So vile and refined  
Well bred and mature  
And out of his mind!  
See His Evilness in that T-Bird there!

Is that vileness he's planning - Hee Hee!  
Such a naughty scheme  
Such an agile tongue  
I will raise a hymn  
Praising EDM!  
Evil is pretty!

It's a pity  
That so very few people can see!  
The Dark Beauty  
And delicious thrill badness can be!  
I love Kimmies,

Villians so yummy,  
I love Immies gone bad and unkind  
And so evil,  
The Devil he can just resign!  
Killer!  
To The Tune Of: "Thriller"  
By: Michael Jackson  
It's after midnight and someone evil's lurking in the dark!

Oh, by the streetlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart:  
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it!  
You start to freeze as death it looks you right between the eyes,  
You're traumatized  
Kurgan's a Killer, Killer night!

And no one's gonna save you when K's about to strike!  
You know he's a Killer, Killer night  
You're fighting for your life now with a Killer, Killer tonight  
You hear the door crash and realize there's nowhere left to run

You feel his cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun  
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination  
But all the while you hear that Kimmie creepin' up behind  
You're out of time  
'Cause he's a Killer, Killer night There ain't no second chance against a man who wants the Prize!

You know he's Killer, Killer night  
You're fighting for your life now with a Killer, Killer tonight  
New Immies call The Gathering's upon us - who will be The One?

There's no escapin' Kurgan's lethal sword this time (He's come for you)  
This is the end of your life  
He's out to get you, he's coming - closing in on every side

He will behead you for in the end there can be only one!  
Now is the time for you and I to run and hide together  
All thru the hours he seeks us in the darkness of the night,  
He'll hear no pleas -  
'Cause he's a Killer, Killer night

He will kill you fast as the R-O-G can tell a lie!  
Yes, he's a Killer, Killer night  
And in the deepest night we'll face a Killer, Killer, Killer,  
Killer here tonight  
Darkness falls across the land

The midnite hour is close at hand  
Kurgan prowls in search of blood  
To terrorize y'all's neighborhood  
And any Immie that he's found  
Will find his head soon on the ground  
Must stand and face the strongest one  
Cross blades until The Prize is won  
A Quickening is in the air  
The skill of some three thousand years  
Of fighting pain with every wound  
Are closing in to seal your doom  
And though you fight to stay alive  
Your body starts to quiver  
For no Immortal can resist  
The power of a Killer!  
The End


	8. Chapter 8

General Highlander Parodies!  
HL-WOCKY  
Done To: "Jabberwocky"  
By: Lewis Carroll

Twas Methos and the Duncan Joe  
Did Gina and Robert with Dr. Anne  
All Kalas were the Conner Mac's  
And Richie's Ahriman!

Avoid the Kurgen-Quince, my son  
The CoryRaines with Hyde beneath  
Beware the Xavier and shun  
The Blaine of Grayson's teeth!

But Darius may Kronos us  
To Fitzcairn Ceirdwyn with Gregor!  
If Cole, we'll kenny to Silas  
And Quentin Barnes no more!!

And should the Amanda return  
To Kristin with Constantine, oh woe!  
We'll Luther Mako from John Kern  
And Tessa Cassie-Ho!

Twas Methos and the Duncan Joe  
Did Gina and Robert with Dr. Anne  
All Kalas were the Connor Mac's  
And Richie's Ahriman!!

 

HIGHLANDER  
Tune: "Jingle Bells"

Dashing to my set in a frenzy I must say!  
Upon my couch I sprawl, drooling all the way!  
It's nearly 6 O'Clock - making for a rush  
What joy it is to watch HL ans slowly turn to mush!

CHORUS  
Oh, Highlander, Highlander! HL all the way!  
What fun it is to watch an sing a slaying song tonight!  
Oh, Highlander, Highlander, HL all the way!  
What fun it is to see Our Guys and gush and gush and gush!

 

USA'S PLEA  
OR  
BE KIND TO OUR BKC'S  
Tune: "Be Kind To Our Web Footed Friends"  
A John Phillip Sousa March

USA: Be kind to our BKC's!  
For they could be somebody's dream date!

FEN: Your BKC's are a pain!  
And we want you all to know  
We love our Methos ans we aim  
To support him through fair or foul writing!  
But USA, but USA  
Don't wait forever!!

 

THE FAN'S PRAYER  
Done To: "The Lord's Prayer, etc"

Our Powers who art a t Rysher  
Hallowed be thy Show!  
Good writing shows they writers know  
In TV as well as movies  
Give us this day our wekly ep  
"Forgive Us Our Trespasses" - (Spoken: "That's a good one!")  
As we forgive those who've sold us out/betrayed us  
For yea though I wa;lk through The Valley Of Butt-Kicking-Chicks  
I will fear no damage  
For the ROG art with me - and armed!!  
And thine is the Show, The Powers and Methos forever!  
Amen!! 

 

ISN'T IT AWFULLY NICE TO HAVE A BIG SWORD??

Isn't it awfully nice to have a big sword?  
Isn't it frightfully good to be well armed?  
It's sweel to have a sabre  
It's divine to be an attacker  
With the tiniest little dagger  
Or the world's biggest whacker!

So three cheers for your sabre or katana  
Hooray for your broadsword Ivanhoe!  
Your ego booster and an Immie's best friend!  
You can shine and sharpen it  
Or hide it beneath your coat  
Don't take it out in public  
Or they might hang you with a rope!  
But you'll just  
Come   
Back!!


	9. Chapter 9

Miscellaneous Non-HL Parodies  
BALLAD OF THE WELL KNOWN TRUEFAN  
Tune: "Ballad Of The Unknown Stuntman" (The Fall Guy)  
By" Glen A. Larsen

Now, i'm not the kind to kiss and tell  
But I've been seen with Harlan!  
I've never been seen with anyone but a Pro!  
Oh no! Oh no!

I've been real drunk with Bob Tucker  
Filksang with Haldeman!  
Somehow it seems that they all love me so!  
Ho ho! Ho ho!

It's a real Astounding life I lead  
Hearing all the gossip  
SF is my hobby but fandom is more fun!  
But the smartesst thing I ever so  
By far is to drop the names of Pro's all over  
While I'm making some gross pun!

I might go to Cons all over  
And I do like Hotel Bars!  
Oh, I'm the Well Known Truefan  
That makes Pournelle such a star!

I've never spent much time reading  
But I know Pro's a plenty!  
It's true I've never written anything  
But hey! I sing!!

Now, I've gotten lost with Gordie D  
Made boose runs with Aspirin  
But when the Dorsai start to sing  
I always say -  
Oy vey! Oy vey!

Oh, I might SMOF with BNF'sOr fall for Tucker's line!  
Cause I'm The Well Known Truefan  
That makes Heinblien look so fine!!

 

WASN'T THAAT A FILKSING?  
Tune: "Wasn't That A Party?"  
By: Tom Paxton

Might have been the Tully  
Might have been the gin  
Might have been the three or four Jim Beam's I don't know!  
But would ya look at the mess I'm in?!  
Voice like a bullfrog  
Bleeding fingers make me cry  
But tell me, me oh me oh my!  
Wasn't that a filksing?!

Well, Gordy went for ice  
Hasn't made it back!  
I saw Suzette down by the Hotle front desk  
Singing to a potted plant!  
She was singing about Gordie  
The plant was singing back!  
Long about then everything went black!  
But wasn't that a filksing!?

I'm sure it's just my mem'ry  
Fails me when it can!  
But I think I saw ol' Yang T  
Seduce a femme fan ("Have some Madeira, M'Dear?")  
He was grinnijng I could see  
C. J. was sitting in the Hotle Lobby  
Blowing on a siren from somebody's Police car!

Me and Joe and Yang now  
Went a little far!  
We were setting off fire alarms  
To empty out the Hotel Bar!  
We were stealing all the Tully  
The Hotel wants it back!  
Think maybe we ought to go and pack -  
But wasn't that a filksing!?

So you see Your Honor!  
It was all in fun!  
That little bitty track meet through the Hotel halls  
Was just to see if the cops could run!  
Well, they run us in to see you  
I'm in an alcoholic haze!  
And I sure can use those thirty days!  
But - wasn't that a filksing!?


	10. Chapter 10

Moi!!  
Hey! It's not everyone who has the nerve to parody themselves!! *snicker* *snarf* *snort*

LEADFINGERS LITES  
Tune: "The Boxer"  
By: Simon And Garfunkel

Oh, I am Leadfingers Lites  
And my story's seldom told!  
I massacre my Parodies   
With three feet of fretted shitboard and a capo!  
I take requests!  
And I do the ones with just two chords and disreguard the rest!

CHORUS  
Lie, lie, lie! ETC!!

Asking free beer and exspenses I go looking for a gig  
But I get no offers!  
Just a come on from Dunkie   
At Joe's Place now!  
I do decalre  
There were times when I was so desperate  
I stole some lyrics there!!

CHORUS  
Lay, lay, lay! ETC!!

Now, I am just a scribbler  
And my frineds all say to me  
I have squandered my resources  
On my songs so filled with laughter  
Such are Parodies!  
All lies in jest  
Highlander is my inspiration  
Yes, Methos and the rest!

CHORUS  
Hey, hey, het! Etc!!

I just joined the Clan MacParody  
I helped found the DOB!  
I sprawl ehere ere I can ...  
And I mainline Pete's Ale beer!  
It's inexspensive!  
Now this I swear  
Bought my boyfriend some blue boxers  
And he bought me a pair!


	11. Chapter 11

His Evilness!!  
WHAT MAC IS THIS?  
Tune: "Greensleeves"

What mac is this, who lays at rest  
On Amanda's lap is sleeping?  
Whom devils greet with praises sweet  
While Dawson Watch is keeping?  
This, this E-D-M  
Whom Duncan fears will make him sin  
Sing, sing for He is great!  
The evil twin of Duncan!

Oh we are all His Flagwavers  
We're His loyal troops, we're blessed!  
Followers of E-D-M  
Oh, of His Unholiness!!

So bring Him women, wine and gold  
Come Duncan Joe abhor Him!  
His Wickedness damnation brings  
Our evil hearts adore him!!

 

WHEN EDM IS SMILING  
Tune: "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling"

When EDM is smiling  
Sure, I'm fair to come unhinged!  
In the howl of Demon alughter  
You can see the Angels cringe  
When His heart is happy  
All the world dawns sere and gray  
And when His Corps is playing -  
Sure, they'll cut yer heart away!


	12. Chapter 12

His Evilness!!  
WHAT MAC IS THIS?  
Tune: "Greensleeves"

What mac is this, who lays at rest  
On Amanda's lap is sleeping?  
Whom devils greet with praises sweet  
While Dawson Watch is keeping?  
This, this E-D-M  
Whom Duncan fears will make him sin  
Sing, sing for He is great!  
The evil twin of Duncan!

Oh we are all His Flagwavers  
We're His loyal troops, we're blessed!  
Followers of E-D-M  
Oh, of His Unholiness!!

So bring Him women, wine and gold  
Come Duncan Joe abhor Him!  
His Wickedness damnation brings  
Our evil hearts adore him!!

 

WHEN EDM IS SMILING  
Tune: "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling"

When EDM is smiling  
Sure, I'm fair to come unhinged!  
In the howl of Demon alughter  
You can see the Angels cringe  
When His heart is happy  
All the world dawns sere and gray  
And when His Corps is playing -  
Sure, they'll cut yer heart away!


	13. Chapter 13

The Blue Faced Love God!!  
MY PLEA TO THE ROG  
To The Tune of: "Hair!"

You ske me why  
I love such hairy guys?  
I love them noon and night!  
Hair that's a sight!  
Horseman say, "Don't You know?  
Methos loves hair!"  
Oh no!  
Cassie comes to your bed  
Loves a hairy head!  
Methos -

CHORUS  
Grow me a head with hair!  
Long beautiful hair!  
Gleaming, streaming  
Behind you as you ride!  
Hair! Won't you gimme down to there?  
Shoulder length or longer!  
Hair ROG, oh ROG, Oh hair!!  
Hair baby, hair Methos!

Let it flow in the breeze  
Run my fingers through with ease!  
Grow it down to your knees oh, your hair!  
Don't you tease  
No scissors please!

Oh, say can you se  
My eyes if you can -  
Then my hairs too short!

Hair, hair, hair, hair, etc!!

Bronze Age stylish  
Don't ever cut your hair!  
Your hair!

Fen go ga-ga from the git-go  
When they see you with your wpd-oh  
Woad benath your masses  
Of long beautiful -  
Free flowing hair!!

Hair! Won't you gimme down to there!  
Shoulder length or longer  
Hair ROG, Oh ROG, oh hair!  
Hair baby, hair Methos, hair!

I like it straight Methos  
Grow it for me, never, never  
Cut it, keep it, long , long  
Why, oh why, wear it so short?


	14. Chapter 14

Connor And Ramirez Parodies  
JOHNNY'S SO GOOD  
Tune" "Johnny B. Goode"

Way down in Egyptland like old Pharoah did  
Way back up on the Nile among the Pyramids  
In a humble cottage so the legend says  
There lived an Immie boy name of Juan Ramirez  
Well, now, he very quickly learned to whack real well  
And he could charm the Ladies like ringing a bell!

CHORUS  
Go! Go!  
Go Johnny, go!  
Go! Go!  
Johnny's so good!!

He always speaks to Ladies in voice so sweet  
His kisses are surely meant to raise some heat!  
Oh, now, his stylish clothes might let you think that he's a fop  
No wonder Connor calls him Spanish Peacock!  
Ladies passing by all stop and coo!  
My that pretty Immie boy can woo!

REPEAT CHORUS

His Mama told him someday he would be a man  
And he would be a lover and have many fans!  
Many Ladies come from miles away  
Just to love that Immie boy and then pray he'll stay!  
Well, I declare his name should be in lights  
Saying Johnny's so good tonight!

REPEAT CHORUS

 

THEY CALL THE MAN RAMIREZ  
Tune: "They Call the Wind Mariah!"

Oh, I was born of Clan MacLeod and Connor is my name!  
And I was fine until he came!  
They call the man Ramirez!  
But then one day I was cast out; Glen Finnan's far behind me!  
And now I'm lost - so very lost - how in God's name did he find me??

Ramirez, Ramirez ... they call the man Ramirez -

Before I knew Ramirez name and heard his coice complainin'  
The Kurgan came and he killed me without any good explaining!  
But then one day Ramirez came; I know that he's no Clansman,  
Won't someone please explain to me how his accent's Egyptian??

Ramirez, Ramirez ... they call the man Ramirez!

And now I've got a problem with a General named Katana!  
Oh, he's a guy from way back home; he's gone they sing Hosanna's!  
I've got to bring The Shield down; Louise has made her plea -  
Ramirez please come back to me! I need you here beside me!

Ramirez, Ramirez! They call the man Ramirez ...  
Ramirez, Ramirez! Please come back to me!


	15. Chapter 15

Hugh Fitzcairn - Fitzzy!!  
CATHOUSE WHIZZER  
Tune: "Pinball Wizard"  
By: The Who

Ever since I was a young man  
I've laid the Ladies all!  
From L.A. down to Texas,  
I must have made them all!  
But I ain't seen nothing like him in any whorehouse ya'll!  
That damned Immie Fitzcairn  
He sure does like to ball!

He picks his partner out  
Oh, the girls all wait in line  
Smiliong at the Ladies  
Always gives a sign  
he woo's by intuition  
Their hearts and bodies fall  
That damned Immie Fitzcairn  
he sure does like to ball!

He's a Cathouse Whizzer  
he's always got his pick  
A cathouse Whizzer  
S'got such a supple d***!!

How do you think he does it?  
I don't know!  
What makes him so good?

Ain't got no inhibitions  
He don't hear those moans that knell  
He can't see those pheromes now  
F***'s by sense of smell!

Always gets a rematch  
Never tires a'tall!  
That damned Immie Fitzcairn  
He sure does like to ball!

I thought I was   
The bordello F***ing King!  
But I just handed my cathouse Crown to him!

Even at my usual cathouse  
He can beat my best!  
Oh, his friends all cheer him on!  
And he just does the rest!  
He's got wickee tongue and fingers  
For which the Ladies call:  
That damned Immie Fitzcairn  
he sure does like to ball!


End file.
